rewrite what it means to feel

I'm Kelsey. I never know what to say about myself. I like mostly everything. I don't care about much. I'm here for me and nobody else.

This has been one of the hardest weeks of my existence.

On Sunday, my grandfather passed away. I still don’t think it’s hit me completely yet. I cried in the privacy of my own room when everyone left. I’ve been crying since I heard they thought he wouldn’t make it. I’m just in this state where I don’t even know what to feel right now. Should I be happy that he’s not suffering anymore and he’s in a better place or should I be sad that I’m never going to get to see him again in this lifetime…? It’s just something really hard for me to handle. The reason I’m asking is because it seems like people are acting like it’s not a big deal. And that hurts… I actually care a whole lot more than I let out.

Right now I’m having a conversation about communication with my boyfriend. We’ve pretty much lost ours. I’ve never been a good communicator about my feelings anyway so this is another tough situation for me to deal with right now.

On top of having a horrible sinus infection and other sickly things… I’m just trying to make sense of everything. I’m in a state where I don’t know what to do about anything anymore.

Can’t sleep. Something has to wake me up every time I finally do get a teeny little bit. I’m just not even going to bother anymore. I don’t care.

Everything is just pissing me off. I can’t breathe out of my nose and I’m constantly coughing. And whatever else in the world.

kafjaklsdf

I am sick and tired of the way things are going…

This is seriously bullshit.

So I’m sitting at home eating homemade nachos because my boyfriend doesn’t want to see me on his birthday…

I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean but apparently he wants us to have a “full day” together. I don’t know whether to be mad or not. Either way I’m more disappointed and let down.

Reading and cleaning, then? Sure why not.

I hate not being in a good mood.

I hate putting people and other things before myself. I’m completely sick and I still don’t know whether I’m going to call into work or not because I’m afraid of getting bitched at. I don’t understand it. How come other people can just fuck around all they want to and feel no remorse for it but when I actually have something wrong with me, I freak the fuck out and think it’s the end of the world? I’m fucking sick of this bullshit man.

Oh, and I’m tired of not getting to do the things I want to do. I don’t get to do what I want when I’m off work. Because again, I put other people and things before myself.

The only thing that can remotely make me happy is the puppy that’s at Patrick’s house but I’m not there to play and cuddle with it.

LEJLKSAFALFHJLK;FJASFJ Fucking hate my life right now.

I bought a weight loss yoga dvd and a beach pilates dvd. I’m really excited. I also bought some yoga pants, a couple of tank tops, fresca, and a mio thing. Hopefully this good behavior will last because I need to shed a few pounds before I go to Florida. WISH ME LUCK!